Ahh, yes. The question I get asked so many times. As I work my way through the congress of males I keep at my disposal they always ask the question. Even my friends keep asking me the question, “Do you think you’ll get married again?” For those of you who have listened to the show, or know me even a little bit, the recoil and sometimes mind numbing screech of “No!” that comes out of me may seem routine to you. But for those of you who have not been privy to this nor to my reasons, let me lay them out for you now.
First of all, I have no problem with married people. I think if you wish to get married you should be able to do so. I have several friends who are married, happily, and I applaud them. I also have several friends married unhappily, and I pity them. Then there are the people who have made the commitment, but haven’t said the vows yet. Or the ones who have a boyfriend/girlfriend and either want to break up or move forward. These are the friends that call me late at night and ask me for advice. There’s an awful lot of drama in that crap, right?
“To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them?…
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover’d country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;”
Don’t get me wrong, I know all relationships are going to have some sort of angst, but I’d like to avoid all that crappola, if at all possible. So if we start from the premise that you’ll never have to ask me, cause I’ll never want that, then we’ve eliminated a lot.
Second, I know that marriage is not for me. According to my birth chart under my astrological sign, I was born into a generation of people who simply don’t believe in conventional relationships. We as a group look for new ways to define the things in society that have already been defined. We challenge the norm. While I know this may not bode well with all of you, especially if you were born within a few years of me, but when I read the article the things it was saying about me were so true. O.K., that may be reaching a bit, but I’ve tried it. Granted it was with an insecure, self-centered, bully who thought the way to resolve an argument was to put me in a head lock and throw me to the floor, but I tried. My point is that the conventional way of doing things has just never worked for me. Every time I have tried doing it “the right way” it has ended in disaster for me.
Then there are my objections to the institution itself. First of all, why do I have to sign a piece of paper saying I’ll love someone until I die? And if this is a contract, then I want some negotiating done. Like how about we try this for three years and if we still want this then we’ll talk about an extension. Or let’s get really deep and ask what each party expects from the other. I expect coffee in bed every morning, and in return I’ll give you breakfast in bed every Saturday. That’s a good deal right? But that’s not what we do. We sign on the dotted line for all eternity without discussing at all the terms of the agreement. Stupid!
So after you sign and say “I do.” the woman no longer has an identity of her own as far as the law or any government organization is concerned. We become defined even through our name as property. No longer are you Betty Badass, you have become Mrs. Franklin Fucktard. While you may love all the things that make Franklin the man you want to spend the rest of your life with, why do you have to give up your last name to do it? And why does society become so upset when you want to keep your given name?
It’s so easy to get into, with the blur of a great party and a vacation where you are encouraged to do absolutely nothing which requires clothing, but it’s a bitch to get out of. As soon as that word divorce is mentioned, the once beloved Franklin lives up to his surname and begins to say and do things that you never believed him capable of. And if you can detach from the situation long enough to look at it, the things said and done could be fatter for a CW sitcom. But it’s not funny. It’s not funny because he is saying and doing those things in reference to you, the woman he vowed to love until death. Or apparently until you decided that you really were two people who just couldn’t live together for that long.
Why do I have to declare that I can’t survive without you? The real truth of the situation is I can survive without anyone. The only things I have to do, as my Nana told me is “…stay black, and die.” Neither of those things requires a companion. I may not want to, but that’s different. Don’t get me wrong, I love men. I like their companionship and enjoy the conversation and interactions I have with them. 90% of my friends are men. But I have never met a man that I could look square in the eye and say, “I can’t go another minute in my life unless you are with me.” It’s just not practical. Why would you ever want to give so much of yourself to someone? How would you ever have enough left to continue learning and growing as an enlightened person should? Being in love is beautiful and all, but giving all of your existence over to the simple presence of someone else makes absolutely no sense. What if they’re mean to you? What if they turn out to be a complete and total ass? What if they don’t satisfy you sexually or it turns out they have personal hygiene issues that just can’t be overcome? We’re talking until death people. There are a lot of things to consider that have absolutely nothing to do with love and have an awful lot to do with being able to live with someone.
Am I afraid to truly be in love and give my heart to someone? I submit that giving my heart to someone neither requires, nor is it negated, if I don’t sign a piece of paper from the state I happen to live in. My version of love is just a bit different than main stream. My love is a gift that I choose to give to someone whom I believe is worthy of receiving it. And for those of you who don’t know, when you decide to give a gift, it no longer belongs to you, and the recipient is not obligated to give a gift in return. Recently there is someone who has gotten more of my heart than anyone in years. I have given it to him due to his appreciation and acceptance of me, as I am, without alteration. It does not matter if he gives his heart in return. I have grown and been changed by his presence in my life, and that is more valuable than a ring, a party, and a cruise (we know how those turn out, thanks Carnival). I don’t need to sign a contract saying I’ll love him forever, I already know I will. But this is not the Disney version of love that we all cling to. This is admiration, acceptance, and care for another human being. It has nothing to do with ownership. It has nothing to do with shared assets or procreation. This is all about two people who enjoy each other choosing to spend time. The friendship, loyalty and care that promotes is my focus; that is my love. I think if more people concentrated on the relationship than the party and the presents, our divorce rate wouldn’t be 50%, it could be zero.