Before you get excited, that’s not what I mean. We all remember the Sir Mix A Lot song Baby Got Back. In the beginning of the song we hear two women basically hatin’ on another because of the way she looks. One woman making a comment about the size of another woman’s ass. We see, hear, make those judgements ourselves every day right? But should we? We live in an era where political correctness has fallen by the wayside in favor of outright hatred of people for anything and everything from their skin pigmentation to whom they choose to love. And in the midst of that, the hatred of women has become o.k. again. Somehow it’s alright to tell our daughters that all she needs to do is be pretty and get a rich man to marry her so she can be taken care of for the rest of the life, while she supplies him with lots of children. To my dismay women are saying this crap now. While the rap song is about the rapper loving the curves of his African Queen over the much flatter ass of the average white girl, it begins with women degrading women. And in a world where men are ready and unfortunately willing to hate us outright for the many wrongs they perceive we have done them, should we be doing it to ourselves?
In my world I have always been the subject of hate from other women.
As a result most of my friends are men. I have very few female friends, although in the past two years that list has grown. Some of it has stemmed from the fact that I have always made friends with men more quickly and the women in their lives have taken issue with that. I can see their point, to a point. I am a very outspoken woman. I have been for quite some time. And I like me. I am also quite sexual. Once again I like me. Men gravitate to that because they enjoy the verbal foreplay even when neither of us have the intention of taking it any further. Whether you believe it or not I have not slept with all my male friends. Most of them are simply platonic relationships with a healthy dose of sexual innuendo flying around. However, the women that these men are actually getting naked with take issue, and get suspicious. For some of them after they get to know me, they realize that I just have a huge personality and it means nothing. Others never take the moment to get to know me. They proceed with their assumption that I am after their boyfriend or husband and begin the campaign against me. Some continue even when I am in a relationship of my own. To the latest few women that have done this, I have a few things to say to you.
One: If I wanted your man, I would have him.
When I set my sights on a man I get what I want. If there is a man that I want, I simply step to him like a grown ass woman should and ask the question. This is why men like me. I ask for what I want. If they also want it, then we have a meeting of the minds, and probably will have a meeting of something else later in the evening. And it goes without saying that a good time will be had by all involved.
Two: If you’re married to him, what aren’t you doing to keep him happy?
Not that I think it’s the wife that needs to keep the husband happy; it should be a effort of both people. However, obviously if you’re worried about him wandering, then you should be paying more attention to your relationship and stop worrying about me or any other woman that may come into his view. I can’t make him cheat, just like you can’t make him stay unless he wants to. But you can make your love with him so strong that he has no reason to even ponder wanting another woman. That’s on you, not me.
Three: You don’t know me.
How dare you assume that I am the type of woman that would intentionally set my sights on a man that already has a woman! I am a grown ass woman. I don’t need your sloppy seconds. I don’t need to sit and listen to him talk about how horrible you are all night before he makes a pass. I am worth more than that. And why would I want a man that would cheat on you? That means he’s, more than likely, prone to it and will cheat on me. No thank you.
Four: If you have a question, ask it.
If, for whatever reason, you think I am after your man, then ask me. If you’ve met me you know I have no problem telling the truth. If I am, I’ll tell you. Odds are I’m not, and it’s a conversation we can laugh about later. I’m grown, and hopefully you are too. So step to me like you’re a grown ass woman and ask a grown ass woman a question.
Five: If your man thinks I’m worth his friendship, what does that tell you?
He thinks as a friend I bring something to his life. This is a man you’ve chosen to spend an exorbitant amount of time with, have children with, supposedly until you die. If you can’t trust his choice in friends, then how much do you really trust him? Once again this is not a problem I caused, that’s something you may want to dig deeper into your relationship to investigate.
Six: If you think hatin me makes you better, you’re not done learnin.
Ladies, if all you can come up with is how I come off too sexual in front of your husband, so you’re going to cut your eyes and talk behind my back, then you have just proved that you are still in high school. You feel smaller around me? Then step it up. You can’t be that sexual? No worries. Maybe you should play to your strengths. Or maybe try becoming my friend, instead of my enemy. Grow up, put on your big girl pants and realize that everyone feels small sometimes. Even me. Making yourself feel better by cutting someone else down is called bullying. It’s childish. Stop being a child.
All that said…
When I was presented with this scenario recently, my first act was to call the husband in question and ask if there in fact was a concern on the part of the wife. This particular man I have known for half my life, and we did….well you couldn’t call it dating…let’s put it this way, we know each other. Because of that high school fun, we have a certain short hand. Our own version of ASL, with a healthy dose of sarcasm. He and I enjoy communicating in sexual innuendo, and it has been that way for years. I’ve met his wife, and I LOVE her! She is probably the only woman who could put up with him, and I’m so glad he found her. I’m sure she was nervous about meeting all his high school girls during a reunion several years ago, but we all loved her, and she enjoyed telling us new embarrassing stories about him. I wasn’t surprised to find out that the wife in question had absolutely no problem with me or my friendship with her husband. As the husband in question put it,
“She was taken aback when she first met you….Let’s face it, you’re an acquired taste. But she knows there’s nothing for her to worry about.”
While I wasn’t sure if his comment was a compliment or an insult, I took it as a compliment, and moved on.
I went through all of the emotions about this situation.
I was mad that they would think this. I was flabbergasted that they would whisper behind my back rather than just ask the question. I was sad, and frankly hurt, that without even getting to know me, they would spread this rumor that in the end would not hurt me, but the wife of someone they call a friend. Their short sightedness would end up causing hurt to someone who doesn’t deserve it, who instead deserves a small medal for putting up with one of my dearest friends. I’m sure his wife is smart enough to brush this aside and never think of it again. But what if she wasn’t? What if she stopped and thought about it? What if she believed it enough to accuse him? That’s a fight in an otherwise strong marriage caused by the malicious, insensitive, and childish rumors of women, who supposedly started this conversation to help.
So with all the things we’ve been teaching our daughters about being strong, have we taught them to also be thoughtful? Are they ready to look at a situation and see the truth of it? Can they step to another woman with confidence but not arrogance and ask an adult question? Can they give the benefit of the doubt? Does this behavior that is ingrained in us from middle school have to carry into adulthood? I don’t know all the answers. So I’ll tell you what I do know. I know that feminism is needed. While we strive to be treated equally, or the same as men are, we must remember that we are not men. Thankfully. Women have the choice to buy into the dog eat dog, keep someone down to elevate yourself mentality or not. Being equal, or treated so, does not mean you have to emulate the behavior that kept you down in the first place. We can choose to be better. I can tell you that when my daughter faced ridicule because of her intelligence, I told her that it would make her stronger. I explained that if those kids didn’t want to be her friend because she was smart, then they were missing out, not her. I told her that their slurs had nothing to do with her at all. Those children were in a place where they thought they would not be able to succeed, and in order to feel better about where they were, they had to try to make her feel bad about how bright her future was. I begged her to never change who she was for outside approval, because in the end she is the only one who has to live with herself. I also asked if maybe there was one or two of them she could tutor. Maybe if they saw that they could do what she was doing through hard work, they would feel better about their prospects. I know that even though these women acted foolish and childish, that I don’t hate them. I pity them. Obviously they are insecure in their relationships for whatever reason, and instead of doing that very hard work it takes to fix it, they chose to make me the scapegoat.
So as a strong willed, grown ass woman to the rest of you out there….
Don’t buy into the hype. As a good friend of mine says, “You can’t miss, what you can’t measure.”
Friendship, true friendship is measured by time spent, memories made, tears shared, laughter induced, and it is something tangibly felt. The next time one of your girlfriends starts a conversation hatin on another woman, or casting aspersions on her honor, stop and think what the outcome could be. Ask yourself if you know all the facts. Ask if you know enough about the woman in question to make any judgement about the situation at all. Men and this lopsided society we live in have stacked the deck against women. The easiest way for them to win is for us to hate ourselves and each other. That’s the opposite of feminism. Do you want to be a part of that kind of girl on girl? I don’t.